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Hopeful Expectations

Oh, February! You’re here again. It’s our anniversary month and the unexpected birth month of our twins. Both events carried their own uncertainty and terror wrapped in bliss. Most of our family was unable to attend our wedding ceremony and no one was present as I was rolled into the ER to hopefully save our twins lives.

Some years, I’m okay and I can celebrate. Celebrate our yes to one another. Celebrate the love that blossomed into two whole humans. Other years, I just ache. I struggle to find the joy, to see the future bright, to celebrate life. The weight of all that was stolen is debilitating. I hate that I struggle to rally and give our kids a party with those who are still here and want to wrap our family in celebration. As the weeks progress I’ll know better what kind of year this will be. The twins have great expectations! Ha! I’ll do my best to tend to my own heart so I can be in the best position to be open and receptive to joy, but its never promised.

This year would have been our tenth wedding anniversary. Finally. We would own a whole decade. I always looked forward to this year. I thought it would feel like a graduation of sorts. But now, it just alerts me that our connection has steered and guided one quarter of my life. You imprint my life every day. The constant financial pressure, the lack of balance between my seriousness and your enjoyment of life, the missing listening ear for my constant and necessary verbal processing, that I cannot send you to the store to buy a loaf of bread after the kids are down and I’m prepping their lunches, the lack of touch, the lack of your adoration, the absence of the frustration expelled as I utter “go ask your dad”, the loss of your perspective…

Sometimes it is good to remember all the items. It is a kindness to myself to list all the things I carry constantly and often subconsciously. To take an honest inventory and then extend love and grace to myself. This is a heavy load and I forget its real and all I feel is worn. This is why I am worn. It is a long list of lack. So, this month I am going to choose honesty and practice breathe. I miss you. I am mad. I am living. I am awake and celebrating. I am all of these and I am okay living in the tension of it all. I end this decade as I started- with family members missing out on the joyous celebrations of my life. Wrapped in hopeful expectation and large unknowns.

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